Rough Week

It's been a roller-coaster sort of week for me, up and down, and my "attacks" have returned ... But, like Boxer on Animal Farm, I just put my head down and keep on pulling.

More...

I did get a 50% raise from one of my article clients, which is fantastic. But I was so sick Wednesday I got no work done.

Yesterday I realized I am in no mental state to consider true recovery from my anorexia: some one (who shall remain nameless at least for now) commented that I *had* clearly gained some weight before, but had lost most of it again ... And my first thought upon hearing that was "so I *AM* fat!" and the second was "back to not eating, you fat sow." Now, to be clear, I am not even overweight in vanity pounds today: I don't have a scale but judging by how my clothes fit I am at a proper weight/weight distribution. But I *think* I'm fat, I *feel* fat, and there is nothing I can do to convince myself it is okay to eat when I have these fat-in-the-head issues going on.

Perhaps as part of that backslide, the panic attacks returned. I had gone almost four days without feeling anxious at all, and the last three days I didn't even need the meds to manage it. But yesterday I got slammed so fast with a panic attack I couldn't even fully register what was happening (which, in a way, was nice: panic attacks are no fun, so not being totally aware I was having one was just super).

So today I am just trying to keep myself going. Not the easiest thing to do, as anyone with "bipolar disorder" can attest. But I am too stubborn to do anything else.

Working From Home

I am living the dream so many of us have.

Working from home. Being my own boss, more or less (when you are the boss, of course, your customers or clients become your bosses).

The problem, naturally, is that the work is always there. I can't leave it at the office. And I have a hard time giving myself days off when I know that assignment is lurking, unfinished, waiting for me.

But I am working it out. I love the freedom of being able to set my hours as I like and listen to music or have a movie on in the background.

Better still, I get so busy I can hire subcontractors to help me out. If that's not the American dream, I am not sure what is.

Blogging

I had a bunch of blogs for a while there, specializing by content. I give that up, though. Too much work. Blogging, for me, is closer to a hobby. I know a lot of people take it very seriously and see it as a viable source of income.

Now I have it whittled down to three, maybe four. JISE here will be my blog forever - even having the chance to switch to a WP blog, I like it here and I have done so much to get it to look the way I want.

Read on:

I had two blogs at Today.com, but they can suck it because they never want to pay people and I will only do so much work for free. You'll be seeing reposts of the content from there showing up here, eventually.

Kaleidoscopy at Absynthe Spectrum is one I am keeping: I use it to aggregate updates from JISE, Absynthe Spectrum, ASAP, and related content.

I have an LJ I don't use much any more, but I am keeping it because of the connections there and it's a good place for networking.

And the maybe-fourth is a co-written blog about weird things in Illinois. Haven't been to that lately but I suppose as I get caught up with other stuff I can contribute to it again, and possibly add it to the Kaleidoscopy aggregate.

Mental Seas

In pondering the diversity of psychological landscapes, I developed an analogy that seems quite apt and suitable.

In part: Just because your mental sea is the North Atlantic doesn't mean you will hit an iceberg.

Mental Seas and Icebergs

I had the thought that mental illnesses and other concerns - depression, bipolar disorder, and so forth - are very much like icebergs. The part that can be seen is only a minor feature of the condition, what is "visible above the waves."

What is hidden beneath can be massive and do damage that can sink the mightiest ship.

Then I thought about where icebergs happen ...

Just as most people may never have to experience an adverse mental state that affects them significantly, most of the planet's oceans are ice-free.

Also, many ships pass through the northern seas - where icebergs can be found - without ever coming near the danger.

So it seems to me that some people have a southern sea mentality - no icebergs in sight.

Some have a northern sea, and strike an iceberg, or more than one.

And some who have northern seas manage to sail their whole lives without ever encountering the troubles that can lurk just beneath the surface.

Who's the Bad Guy?

Listening to a show on History Channel about the religious Apocalypse ... they've gotten to the bit about God casting the devil out of Heaven. And I can't help but think of "The Devil's Advocate," Pacino's insistence (as the Devil) that he is a fan of man.

Ramble ...

I've done some studying myself, and although it's clear that Satan's supposed to be the bad guy, I can't help but wonder. In some versions of the old stories, it was the bad guy that insisted Man be given free will, to choose to love God or not, unlike the angels which had no choice.

My favorite story (rarely found nowadays) is that the bad guy insisted Man not be left lonely in Paradise, but given a mate to love and be loved by, to cherish and be cherished by, and yes, to be challenged by. God wouldn't do it, so the bad guy did: Lilith, Adam's first wife. And she wouldn't kowtow to Adam, but insisted on being treated as his equal. And Adam threw a fit when she wanted to be on top for sex, and beseeched God to rid him of her. And God did, driving her from Eden; but she turned to that fan of man, Satan, and he gave her the strength and wisdom to find her fortune alone.

Of course, God gets all the good PR, and Satan and Lilith are cast as evil enemies of humanity. But I wonder. Wisdom carries its own painful price for those who dare seek it - how rational is it to think we should be punished further for daring to use these amazing brains supposedly given to us by a beneficent God?

And into another night

Today wasn't quite as productive as yesterday, but I don't have any complaints, either.

Random thoughts...

I have been making progress with productivity, but now I feel I need to reconsider the order in which I am attempting to tackle my tasks.

And there are still things I want to get done online that I am not getting around to ... my email is totally out of control, mostly thanks to the dozens of groups I belong to and never participate in.

I haven't gotten to Facebook in a while, nor MySpace in forever (tho I hate MySpace, so, meh) ... I've mostly lost interest in using LiveJournal since they moved their servers out of the country. I did pop in at Tribe.net today, but only because of a message from one of the Wild Aspies Tribe members; I didn't even read any posts there.

And the list goes on ... Wild Wear tee-shirt designs I'm not making, friends' blogs I'm not commenting at, other social networking things I just don't have the mental energy to slog through.

I've been working on simplifying, but there's still more work to do.

Best of all, though, was today's technomancer luv ... Life as always is ups and downs, but I am learning better to appreciate the ups and let the downs roll by.

Wow

Did the EC card drops (and yes, I comment when a post "speaks" to me) and hit my day's 300 just by going through the cards that have been dropped on me since I signed up.

So now I wonder ... how do other EC participants pick and choose at this point? I suppose I can stop hitting the stock trading, sports and car blogs, since those things don't really interest me. Others, like crafting, diets, and pinoy, I like to browse, but I always feel something like guilt since I have nothing to add and can't much relate to. Same goes for the faith blogs - I'm spiritual but not religious.

How do the rest of you do it? (Those of you who, like me, feel compelled to be told "300 a day" otherwise you've let some blog down by not clicking.)

Hydrodynamics and Psychopomps

This morning on my way in to work the hydrants were having problems, spewing water all over the streets (possibly a planned flush, but I didn't see any Water Dept. trucks or workers around). The one on the next hill up from the office was attracting a lot of sparrows to the flow, which had just started to work its way past the corner as I got off the bus.

I slowed to watch the birds playing, and noticed one of them hadn't been quick enough and had been flattened by a vehicle not long before. Poor thing ... and then I wondered, Will a human spirit guide it to some avian afterlife?

In some cultures, birds (most notably the crow in North America, the raven in Europe, and the sparrow on both sides of the Atlantic) are thought to conduct the spirits of the deceased from one plane of existence to the other (brought to popular media by "The Crow" comic books and movies, and perhaps a lesser extent by Stephen King's The Dark Half). Generally speaking, the dark birds take spirits from the land of the dead to the land of the living; sparrows take them the other way.

And then I saw ... The. Coolest. Thing. EVAH. I was still walking slow, watching the water coursing along the opposite curb. It reached the bottom of the dip between the hilltops, shot past the storm drain, and started flowing uphill.

I had to stop to watch, then cross the street to observe more closely. This determined rill just kept going, getting thinner and shallower but still making its way uphill. Finally it reached another drain and that was that.

So now I have to revise my typical point-of-lecture on water and electricity: they usually take the path of least resistance, and flow in very similar manners, but as with most other things in this Universe, once you think you've got it figured out, it will show you how little you knew.

Headaches and Migraines

Doctors have yet to definitively decide the whys and wherefores of headaches. There are no nerve endings within the brain to create "pain," so why we can have headaches is a mystery. So, too, is a riddle that some people can have headaches and others - blessed that they are - never experience a single one.

Doctors do know some causes for headaches. Trauma - a bump to the head - can cause a headache; also hunger, dehydration, lack of sleep, too much sleep, hangovers (from alcohol, actually a combination of low blood sugar and dehydration), noise, eye strain, and muscle tension in the neck and shoulders (often caused by stress).

Aspirin - in its pure form a preparation of bark from the unassuming willow tree - is a known blood-thinner, and quite effective on most common headaches, which leads some to believe that headaches might be caused in part by increased blood pressure within the skull. (Of course, if your headache is caused by lack of food, water, or sleep, aspirin will not help you.)

More, on migraines:

Migraines are another matter. A migraine is a headache on steroids - bigger, stronger, with a nasty temper. Most come with extra concerns: sensitivity to light, noise, scents, even motion; nausea, dizziness, or light-headedness can occur as well. There are different kinds of migraines, and like their tamer cousins, not much is known about their causes. But unlike regular headaches, some migraines can actually cause tiny bits of damage to the brain as they occur.

I'm so special, I get to have three different kinds of migraines, and possibly a fourth (I'm still debating that with the doctors).

The "classic" or tension migraines are the most common type; they are usually caused by stress and can be treated with many over-the-counter (OTC) or prescription (Rx) painkillers, although there are also a multitude of homeopathic remedies and prevention techniques that involve ingesting nothing at all (like warm compresses on the forehead and|or back of neck, a nap, meditation, etc.). I started getting classic migraines when I was fifteen (about 18 years ago - egad, I've lived more of my life with them than without!). The likelihood of falling prey to them seems to run in families; when I got the first one, my mom knew right away what was going on. (Also, for some reason, if as a child you often got "brain freeze" from icy treats, you're more likely to suffer these kinds of migraines as an adult.)

Then there are "band" migraines (that's what I call them, I don't know if neurologists have a special name for them). A "classic" migraine usually hurts in a vaguely bandlike area of pressure across the forehead and around, like where a hat brim would be. But these others are more like a ladies' headband in placement of the pain, further toward the top of the head and just about following the hairline along the ears and toward the back of the neck. Where a classic migraine tends to be "stabbing" or "throbbing" in nature, a band migraine is, for me, more like a grinding sensation, and always comes with extreme intolerance of bright light (fluorescents are brutal) and sharp noises, and urgent nausea that never resolves into anything.

Then there are the "cluster" migraines. I've had these for a long time too, intermittently; for a long time I called them "Random Sharp Pains" because that's what they were: a sudden sensation similar to what I imagine being stabbed through the skull with an ice pick might feel like, lasting a few seconds, then passing without further effect. But about 12 years ago I learned that they are actually migraines, and when they do their stabbing act, they are actually causing tiny tears in the brain tissue. Contrary to what medical science thought for a long time, brain cells do grow back, so the damage can usually repair itself given time. And as I paid more attention to them, I realized they weren't so random: they only occur (for me) in four places, the parietal and temporal lobes.

I am fortunate to have found a medicine that prevents the cluster migraines, and another that prevents most of the classic and band migraines (and when I can't prevent those, I have another prescription to help, which doesn't get rid of the pain but does make it so I don't care that my head hurts).

But the last one, the one in contention, is the one worrying me the most right now ... it doesn't much feel like a headache, it's more like the feeling after a concussion, a ground-glass-in-the-head sort of sensation, and while I've had concussions in the past, I haven't had one in years ... and a couple of years ago, the first time I was getting these non-aches, I went for a CT-scan and I had a "hypodensate mass in the left posterior temporal lobe" - which is doctorese for "a hole in the language center" of my brain. It was unusual in that such things generally only occur in the elderly; it was downright bizarre that, at the follow-up scan two weeks later, it was gone without any sign of having been there, not even the light scarring that is usually found after such things heal.

On the plus side, with all the migraines, I don't much notice normal headaches anymore - usually one of my unfortunate family members points out (from a safe distance) that I seem a bit grumpy, then I think about it and realize my head hurts a little.

Musings on Bloggings

I wonder if, somewhere, somehow I am doing something wrong. Since I started participating in the EC program, I've seen a lot of blogs ... I'm delighted to have found some of them: excellent content, witty and talented authors, appealing layouts.

But what really puzzles me are some of what I've taken to thinking of as the "Pink Mommy" blogs. (Not all of them are actually pink; it's more a flavor of the blog than a literal hue.)

They blog about they did this, that and the other with their brood (often 3+ kids). They went shopping, they did crafts, they visited, etc., etc., etc.

They are also active in various blogger groups and activities: card drops, blog commenting, message boards, and so on.

What I wonder is, when do these women sleep?

I have four kids and a part-time job. I have two dogs, and the Hubby has a cat; we have a house with a yard; I have extended family to keep in touch with, groceries to buy, unschooling to guide the kids through, my compulsion to write, and my own need to periodically learn new things.

And, oh, yeah, now and then I have to eat, clean myself, and sleep.

I have been attempting all week to find a schedule for myself that allows me to do all these things in a timely manner. And my conclusion is that it is impossible to achieve with only 24 hours in a day.

So apparently the Pink Mommies have found a way to sideslip time, wedging more hours into their days than the rest of us have access to. (The ugly alternative is that some of them are stretching the truth about their offline activities, and I am not one to cast such stones.)

So, if you are a Pink Mommy Blogger (henceforth herein PMB) that has happened across this post, consider this an invitation to initiate me in the arcane skill of time-wedging. I could use it. Thank you.

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