New Job

I started a new night job this week, which has left me even less time than before in addition to screwing up my sleep schedule. More to come.

Rough Week

It's been a roller-coaster sort of week for me, up and down, and my "attacks" have returned ... But, like Boxer on Animal Farm, I just put my head down and keep on pulling.

More...

I did get a 50% raise from one of my article clients, which is fantastic. But I was so sick Wednesday I got no work done.

Yesterday I realized I am in no mental state to consider true recovery from my anorexia: some one (who shall remain nameless at least for now) commented that I *had* clearly gained some weight before, but had lost most of it again ... And my first thought upon hearing that was "so I *AM* fat!" and the second was "back to not eating, you fat sow." Now, to be clear, I am not even overweight in vanity pounds today: I don't have a scale but judging by how my clothes fit I am at a proper weight/weight distribution. But I *think* I'm fat, I *feel* fat, and there is nothing I can do to convince myself it is okay to eat when I have these fat-in-the-head issues going on.

Perhaps as part of that backslide, the panic attacks returned. I had gone almost four days without feeling anxious at all, and the last three days I didn't even need the meds to manage it. But yesterday I got slammed so fast with a panic attack I couldn't even fully register what was happening (which, in a way, was nice: panic attacks are no fun, so not being totally aware I was having one was just super).

So today I am just trying to keep myself going. Not the easiest thing to do, as anyone with "bipolar disorder" can attest. But I am too stubborn to do anything else.

Yeah ...

It's been a while since I posted. Getting myself back on track today.

Read on...

I have, for some unknowable period of time, had "spells," something like epileptic seizures but possibly not epileptic at all.

Mostly these "neurological events" are "staring spells," wherein from my perspective I am just concentrating on something, and from the perspective of others I am staring, unresponsive for some seconds. After these events I usually feel vaguely nauseous; preceding them I often have "auras" or precursors, usually anxiety, although sometimes I get no warning at all. These events are difficult to spot because they are subtle.

I've had a few more dramatic events that more closely resemble generalized seizures, where I lose consciousness and muscle control, but typically do not convulse like a stereotypical "grand mal" seizure. These, thankfully, have been very rare: three I can think of over 20 years.

So on Wednesday, 9/2, I went into the hospital for three days of EEG observation. Of course during those three days my brain was cheerfully quiet. I otherwise got rather depressed, being stuck in bed away from my family, but no events for the doctors to see. Friday I was released with an ambulatory EEG unit, meaning my head is still wired (until 1430 today) but at least I could go home.

Things have still been uneventful for the most part. I am not really surprised: my brain rarely cooperates with me in general, so why should it when I most need it to?

In Brief ...

It's been crazy-busy the last couple of weeks. Busy is good and crazy I am used to.

The Absynthe Community is off to a good start. If you are an aut or aspie writer, or other ND creative-type, come check it out.

I have also been pleasantly swamped with freelance work this week. You know those articles you read all over the web? I am responsible for some of those. The well-written ones, anyway.

We also got a puppy about six weeks ago. More on him and some pix later.

Virtual Disease

I am recovering from an Internet illness: multiple (online) personality disorder.

So I am working on merging my different web identities. It isn't much fun.

Aberrant Physiology FTW

I apparently have developed a weird mutant immunity to poison ivy.

12yo daughter has not. Yet.

Back from the deadish

I am fighting my way back to the land of the living, or at least what passes for it nowadays. There's probably a lot of things I should catch up on for y'all, but that's not gonna happen this post. (And I'm discovering all these cute 'improvements' as I reanimate ... sigh.)

Crazy Week

This past week was fairly insane ... did more running around in five days than I usually do in a month. Then my dad had a heart attack on Saturday, so Sunday was spent at the hospital with my mom and brother. So now I'm even further behind than I usually am ...

Gosh golly

I was terribly slack the last couple of days, as far as keeping on track with projects and whatnot ...

But yesterday was an awesome day. I helped one of my best friends a bit with a relationship problem she was having with her beloved, although of course I worried that I was only going to make things worse. Seemed to work out all right though, and I have hope that things will continue to improve for her.

Then I spent the evening hanging out with my other best friend, and we talked of cabbages and kings and things that go with a life of style, and I found I was able to really open up about some things that I had never felt safe enough to talk about before.

Couldn't sleep for sh*t tho, and it'll be a drag-assy day. If that's the trade-off, I'll take it, gladly.

Friday?!

Not sure how the week slipped by so fast! A good week, to be sure, both productive and pleasant ... But yesterday I managed to not post or tweet much, the day just whirled by.

Wonder what delights today will bring ...

And into another night

Today wasn't quite as productive as yesterday, but I don't have any complaints, either.

Random thoughts...

I have been making progress with productivity, but now I feel I need to reconsider the order in which I am attempting to tackle my tasks.

And there are still things I want to get done online that I am not getting around to ... my email is totally out of control, mostly thanks to the dozens of groups I belong to and never participate in.

I haven't gotten to Facebook in a while, nor MySpace in forever (tho I hate MySpace, so, meh) ... I've mostly lost interest in using LiveJournal since they moved their servers out of the country. I did pop in at Tribe.net today, but only because of a message from one of the Wild Aspies Tribe members; I didn't even read any posts there.

And the list goes on ... Wild Wear tee-shirt designs I'm not making, friends' blogs I'm not commenting at, other social networking things I just don't have the mental energy to slog through.

I've been working on simplifying, but there's still more work to do.

Best of all, though, was today's technomancer luv ... Life as always is ups and downs, but I am learning better to appreciate the ups and let the downs roll by.

Late Start

Up late last night, and was left to sleep in despite my orchestrations to be awoken early. Sigh. Getting better at time management and staying on-task, tho.

And now, for no particular reason, the bunny with a pancake on its head. :)

Today

Today was definitely a good day. Quite possibly one of the best I have had in quite a while. And it was all just little things going well.

Nice how things can work out that way.

Taxes done!

And here's hoping that next year's return is a lot more complicated to file.

Changes afoot ...

... And some landmarks on the horizon.

February fifth marks this blog's first anniversary, and I'm closing in on 200 posts.

I'd bake a cake, but, well, who am I trying to fool? I don't bake, and the last time I tried to feed a blog it took three days to get the crumbs out of the USB port.

Reconnecting with old favorites

This week I've been able to enjoy some of my favorite old movies, and introduce the kids to flicks they've seen spoofed and referenced in pop media.

So, in no particular order (and as a way to cheat on posting because I am lazy), here's some blast-from-the-past cinema choices:

• LadyHawke^ (1985) Rutger Hauer, Matthew Broderick, Michelle Pfeiffer


• Real Genius^ (1985) Val Kilmer


• Ghost Busters^ (1984) Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Sigourney Weaver


• The Blues Brothers^ (1980) Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Carrie Fischer


• Twelve Monkeys^ (1995) Bruce Willis, Brad Pitt


• Big Trouble in Little China^ (1986) Kurt Russell, Kim Cattrall


• Arsenic and Old Lace^ (1944) Cary Grant, Peter Lorre


• Grosse Pointe Blank^ (1997) John Cusak, Dan Aykroyd

Back to it ...

Well, if you're reading this, you too survived the holidays. I think we need an official non-holiday day to recover from the end-of-year madness.

If not for the colds and flu going around, it would be a good time to gather family close and snuggle in with something quiet and restful. But everyone's sick, it seems, so instead we have to grab what little bits of peace and happiness we can.

To you and yours and happy, healthy 2009!

Mood:

Recovering

Lessons from Cinema

Don't bring me water.
Tell me you have also known thirst.

Some Miscellany

First, an apology to my EC and blogging pals: assorted health issues have been preempting my timely participation and updatings.

Second, Twitter Haiku Day^ is next Sunday. Help Twitter go haiku!

The Beginning of the End

I have been working as a temp at a hospital for too damn long.

Grumble!

Never in my professional life have I been a temp at the same client for five years. It's unheard-of. It's stupid, for starters. Add to that my whopping 71 cent raise during that time, and the fact that I have been expected to manage 300+ doctors, 120+ groups, and a dozen health plans that merge, buy, sell each other, and at random "lose" applications and terminate doctors for no reason, and it's a nightmare of slave labor. But really the worst part has been that there is no boss. The person overseeing the work I do had it dumped on him in addition to his regular job, more than 15 years ago, with the directive to keep the "loss center on life support until [they] figure something out."

I have repeatedly told him that this is madness, and they either need to get some one in charge to take care of the insanity, or let it die the death it is seeking. But no one listens. "Job security," he tells me. I wonder if the slaves heard the same about picking tobacco.

I've suspected since talk began about building the replacement hospital that one of the changes would be that my position in the department would be phased out. So as they talked about the future in the new location, I knew I wasn't going to be part of that picture, and I was okay with that: I don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life.

But then last week I heard a rumor about the bus routes being replanned, and this week found out for certain that the bus I take to work won't be running as of November 24. The closest other route leaves me almost a mile from the office, on a street with a bridge and no sidewalks.

So yesterday he's giving me a pep talk about "embracing" the chaos that is my job, "stepping up" and taking charge of the department, and then tells me that the largest payor, the only plan that really makes any money for the hospital and keeps this mess going, is losing membership in the area and will likely be suspending business.

Every time I opened my mouth to tell him the buses had taken the option off my hands, he got more peppy.

But when I got home, I realized that the anxiety was gone. I realized, I'm FREE!

Next week I get to tell my company and my clients that they need to get a replacement ASAP, and I will train that person to beat the dead horse, and then I never have to worry about that mess again. None of the problems are my problems anymore!

It doesn't matter yet that I'll need a new job, that I'm losing my sole source of income in xmess shopping season, that it's nothing less than cruel to dump this mess on some one else. Right now it's only the relief of being liberated.

Relief and the hangover from celebrating last night. It's all good.