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I did get a 50% raise from one of my article clients, which is fantastic. But I was so sick Wednesday I got no work done.
Yesterday I realized I am in no mental state to consider true recovery from my anorexia: some one (who shall remain nameless at least for now) commented that I *had* clearly gained some weight before, but had lost most of it again ... And my first thought upon hearing that was "so I *AM* fat!" and the second was "back to not eating, you fat sow." Now, to be clear, I am not even overweight in vanity pounds today: I don't have a scale but judging by how my clothes fit I am at a proper weight/weight distribution. But I *think* I'm fat, I *feel* fat, and there is nothing I can do to convince myself it is okay to eat when I have these fat-in-the-head issues going on.
Perhaps as part of that backslide, the panic attacks returned. I had gone almost four days without feeling anxious at all, and the last three days I didn't even need the meds to manage it. But yesterday I got slammed so fast with a panic attack I couldn't even fully register what was happening (which, in a way, was nice: panic attacks are no fun, so not being totally aware I was having one was just super).
So today I am just trying to keep myself going. Not the easiest thing to do, as anyone with "bipolar disorder" can attest. But I am too stubborn to do anything else.
Yesterday I realized I am in no mental state to consider true recovery from my anorexia: some one (who shall remain nameless at least for now) commented that I *had* clearly gained some weight before, but had lost most of it again ... And my first thought upon hearing that was "so I *AM* fat!" and the second was "back to not eating, you fat sow." Now, to be clear, I am not even overweight in vanity pounds today: I don't have a scale but judging by how my clothes fit I am at a proper weight/weight distribution. But I *think* I'm fat, I *feel* fat, and there is nothing I can do to convince myself it is okay to eat when I have these fat-in-the-head issues going on.
Perhaps as part of that backslide, the panic attacks returned. I had gone almost four days without feeling anxious at all, and the last three days I didn't even need the meds to manage it. But yesterday I got slammed so fast with a panic attack I couldn't even fully register what was happening (which, in a way, was nice: panic attacks are no fun, so not being totally aware I was having one was just super).
So today I am just trying to keep myself going. Not the easiest thing to do, as anyone with "bipolar disorder" can attest. But I am too stubborn to do anything else.
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