Saturday, December 12, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
New Job
I started a new night job this week, which has left me even less time than before in addition to screwing up my sleep schedule. More to come.
Monday, September 28, 2009
CBox Widget
I've come to realize what a wonderful widget a chat box is. Maybe even a must-have for blogs using EntreCard - for droppers like me who don't *want* to drop and run, but can't think of a comment worth posting on some one else's blog.
You can get one here if you don't already use one.
I added mine today here with a link at the top for easy access for all you EC surfers.
You can get one here if you don't already use one.
I added mine today here with a link at the top for easy access for all you EC surfers.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Rough Week
It's been a roller-coaster sort of week for me, up and down, and my "attacks" have returned ... But, like Boxer on Animal Farm, I just put my head down and keep on pulling.
More...
More...
I did get a 50% raise from one of my article clients, which is fantastic. But I was so sick Wednesday I got no work done.
Yesterday I realized I am in no mental state to consider true recovery from my anorexia: some one (who shall remain nameless at least for now) commented that I *had* clearly gained some weight before, but had lost most of it again ... And my first thought upon hearing that was "so I *AM* fat!" and the second was "back to not eating, you fat sow." Now, to be clear, I am not even overweight in vanity pounds today: I don't have a scale but judging by how my clothes fit I am at a proper weight/weight distribution. But I *think* I'm fat, I *feel* fat, and there is nothing I can do to convince myself it is okay to eat when I have these fat-in-the-head issues going on.
Perhaps as part of that backslide, the panic attacks returned. I had gone almost four days without feeling anxious at all, and the last three days I didn't even need the meds to manage it. But yesterday I got slammed so fast with a panic attack I couldn't even fully register what was happening (which, in a way, was nice: panic attacks are no fun, so not being totally aware I was having one was just super).
So today I am just trying to keep myself going. Not the easiest thing to do, as anyone with "bipolar disorder" can attest. But I am too stubborn to do anything else.
Yesterday I realized I am in no mental state to consider true recovery from my anorexia: some one (who shall remain nameless at least for now) commented that I *had* clearly gained some weight before, but had lost most of it again ... And my first thought upon hearing that was "so I *AM* fat!" and the second was "back to not eating, you fat sow." Now, to be clear, I am not even overweight in vanity pounds today: I don't have a scale but judging by how my clothes fit I am at a proper weight/weight distribution. But I *think* I'm fat, I *feel* fat, and there is nothing I can do to convince myself it is okay to eat when I have these fat-in-the-head issues going on.
Perhaps as part of that backslide, the panic attacks returned. I had gone almost four days without feeling anxious at all, and the last three days I didn't even need the meds to manage it. But yesterday I got slammed so fast with a panic attack I couldn't even fully register what was happening (which, in a way, was nice: panic attacks are no fun, so not being totally aware I was having one was just super).
So today I am just trying to keep myself going. Not the easiest thing to do, as anyone with "bipolar disorder" can attest. But I am too stubborn to do anything else.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
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